


Terms and Conditions

by PaisleyWraith



Series: Paisley's Alien [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 14:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16599401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaisleyWraith/pseuds/PaisleyWraith
Summary: After the events of 'An Extra Terrestrial', Kenny is treated to Kyle's itinerary for finding out more about each other and this odd curse he holds.They did not, Kyle insists, have alien sex last night.





	Terms and Conditions

**Author's Note:**

> While not a requirement, this will not make much sense without having read the fic this takes place directly after: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15103427. 
> 
> It's a silly idea that keeps getting sillier.

The boy looked different in the daylight. Kenny walked with him towards the seclusion of the woods, stepping over branches and following a straight-backed, haughty individual with bright red hair. 

Hard to say what looked different. He just looked unnatural. He didn’t belong here and he looked like he didn’t belong here. 

Might have something to do with the way he’d shown up at his door. He was wearing human clothes, sure enough, just clothes that looked horrendously expensive, a collared button up and slimming vest with tight slacks and shiny shoes. A tie. 

Definitely not something most of the people who went to visit Kenny were wearing, and the guy was standing boredly on his front step in the middle of dirt and debris. Thank God his parents were still sleeping and that Karen promised not to say anything. 

Kyle didn’t give him a particularly warm greeting, just gestured towards the woods and led him outdoors, leading a Kenny in baggy tshirt and boots through the trees without a care for his own nice clothes. 

He kept stumbling after him. This all felt a little surreal, almost groggy, early morning sun filtering through the leaves as he followed after the boy he was half-certain wasn’t real. 

It couldn’t have been. And yet here he was, close enough for Kenny to touch if he wanted. 

“I thought I dreamed you,” Kenny said, and the boy in front of him turned on his heel so that Kenny nearly ran into him. 

The boy stood tall, head inclined almost insultingly. “You couldn’t possibly.” 

Rude. Kenny was taken aback a little, too surprised to think of a smart comeback. They’d kissed last night, Kyle had done this weird, squirmy mind-thing and Kenny had been infatuated, he thought maybe they’d been past Kyle’s snootier side.

“Next morning regret?” Kenny tried to crack. “Why the cold shoulder today?”

Kyle seemed to straighten all the more, bizarrely green eyes fixating on the boy with a worrying amount of intensity. 

“What are you talking about?” The alien boy demanded. 

Kenny’s heart sank, looking over the boy dressed like a teenage girl’s dreamboat and looking like something out of a fantasy novel. Sans blue makeup this time. 

Did he not remember? Was this all part of his curse? Had he dreamed part of it up? Which parts, had he passed out sometime before Kyle started acting kind-had he made that part up?

“I guess nothing,” Kenny said, a frozen grin on his face, heart hammering against his chest. “I…I dunno.” 

Kyle slowly tilted his head, brows furrowing. 

“I thought we’d get to work on your curse,” The researcher said coolly. “Unless you’ve changed your mind, I suppose. You humans are so _indecisive_.”

Kyle was looking at him like he was the one being offensive. Kenny was getting a serious form of mental whiplash. 

“Wait, did we smooch on each other and have alien sex last night or what?” Kenny asked, dragging a hand through his hair with a nervous laugh. “How much of that did I dream up?”

“Well you dreamed up the sex!” Kyle sputtered, “But you did kiss me, yes.” 

Oh thank god. Kenny was now laughing uncontrollably, nervous giggling like a jittery child. “The whole mindspeak thing-”

“Mindspeak is not _sex_ , it’s a way of goddamn communication!” The redhead exploded. 

“Arguably so is sex,” Kenny pointed out, trying to get caught up. 

“We did not have sex!” Kyle said loudly, enough so that the pause afterwards was doubly awkward. Kenny pulled his tshirt collar up over his lips to try and conceal his giggles. “I…I talked with you. You shouldn’t have been able to open to me. I can understand the intimacy level, in your perspective, but we did not do anything that utterly primitive.” 

“Aside from kissing,” Kenny found himself saying again. 

“Kenneth McCormick, I’m going to send you back home,” Kyle threatened, “If you don’t take this seriously.”

“I am,” The boy promised, swallowing down any residual laughter. “I promise.”

Kyle didn’t look persuaded. He narrowed his true-green eyes, curls falling over his forehead and lips pursing. 

“We are working on your curse,” Kyle said coolly, “I’m a researcher and will need time to observe.” 

“Observe all you like,” Kenny couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut. “I’ve no problem with that.” 

Kyle made a frustrated noise, reaching and grabbing Kenny’s chin and holding him still. 

“I’ll need time to observe you,” The alien boy said with sparking eyes. “So I’ll be close for a long while. I wanted to talk about my cover story.” 

Kenny felt suddenly dizzy. “Wait, so you’re- like- hanging out with me? Not abducting me into your spaceship anymore?” 

“That wouldn’t be particularly useful,” Kyle commented, thumb brushing over Kenny’s chin perhaps unconsciously. “I need to watch what happens naturally, first. So expect me on your goddamn heels for the first half of this.” 

Kenny felt a grin split his face, lips touching the pad of Kyle’s thumb. “You might wanna dress down for that, then,” He said affectionately, “What’s the deal with that getup?” 

“It’s always better to dress up than dress down,” Kyle let go of him, lifting his own chin. “And it’s part of my story. I’m a graduate student in psychology, decent money. Might as well dress the part.” 

Kenny whistled at him, smiling at the raised eyebrow. “You look good. Kinda miss the blue paint.” 

Kyle snorted, gaze jerking aside, something almost pleased filling his face. “Well. This is only just when we’re out in public.” 

“So you are abducting me again sometime?” Kenny waggled his eyebrows, smiling enticingly. “I liked it, y’know.” 

“No doubt.” Kyle said flatly. “But no, we’ve actually acquired the house next to yours.” 

“Next to mine?” Kenny didn’t live near anything. Except junkies and random garbage. 

“Across the tracks,” The alien boy gestured, somewhat uselessly considering they were surrounded by so much brush. “The green house that’s been up for sale.” 

Kenny wasn’t quite understanding. “You…bought a house?” 

“We acquired it,” Kyle said again, giving him a knowing look that Kenny had no idea how to read. “I’ve taken the last name Broflovski. I’ve just come back from college, my group is renting the house and I wanted to be near you.” 

“Near me?” Kenny felt like he was just repeating everything. “Why’s that Broflovski?” 

“We’re dating,” Kyle dropped that lovely little bomb into his lap and continued onward simply. “Long distance until recently. I’m undecided in my career, so I’m staying here until my path is more clear. I’ll come from money, so I have a grace period before I have to get a job-”

“Hold on, hold on,” Kenny interrupted, raising his hands in a ‘stop’ motion, “Can we go back to the part where we’re apparently dating?” 

“We’re dating,” Kyle said again authoritively. “We’ve been dating for however long you like, I know you’ve dated someone else within the past year. I’m thinking we met online and became friends and began dating only since your breakup.”

Kyle had clearly thought this through, down to the details, but Kenny was feeling slightly shell-shocked. 

“We’re dating,” Kenny wasn’t near opposed, but- “Holy shit, man, that’s the decision you made?”

“Yes?” Kyle said, bewildered. “Two boys spending every single moment together, people will assume anyhow.” 

“Why not friends?” Kenny just had to know, glancing behind himself to lean against the nearest tree. 

“What?” Now he was starting to get flustered, color flooding his cheeks in an utterly human way. “Why not boyfriends?” 

Shoot. “Well. I don’t got an answer to that,” He sputtered. “Damn.”

“Do you not want to be dating?” Kyle demanded now, raising himself to his full height. 

“Well- no, I mean- yes. Yes?” He was losing his goddamn mind. 

“You were eager enough last night,” Kyle said, and looked so utterly distressed that Kenny couldn’t even comment on how suggestive that sounded. “You pressed your lips against mine, you opened your mind to me and gave me _everything_. I didn’t think you’d _mind!_ ”

“What d’you mean, I opened my mind? With the mindspeak?” Kyle was almost his height like this, staring him in his eyes with a look of fluster. “You said mindspeak wasn’t sex!” 

“It isn’t!” Kyle was turning red now, from his neck to the tips of his ears. “But what you did- it wasn’t exactly normal, you just let me look, I could have seen anything I wanted, and I saw- you were thinking-”

The alien boy looked distraught now, too-green eyes pinning Kenny’s soul. “It didn’t occur to me that you would mind.” 

He didn’t really understand. But Kyle was looking…almost hurt, a little more than someone who wanted simply to come up with a good cover story. 

Damn. How good had that kiss been? Or maybe it had just been the mindspeak thing. 

“What was I thinking?” Kenny asked, becoming suddenly extremely interested. 

“It’s hard to explain.” Kyle’s smug confidence had now fallen, leaving him stiff-backed and flushed. “I can- I’m perfectly capable of coming up with another plan, Kenneth, if necessary.”

Kenny licked his lips. He looked the boy up and down, biting on his lower lip. 

“I thought it was a simple evolution,” Kyle continued when Kenny said nothing. “After a shared attraction and interest, a mutual relationship can come of that where you learn more about one another.”

Hold on. 

“I thought you just wanted a good cover story,” Kenny said slowly, tree bark digging into his back. 

Kyle looked between his eyes, mouth opening and closing immediately. 

“Yes,” He finally said, “That’s correct.” 

Both of them stared at one another for a moment, Kenny feeling like he was just getting more and more confused with every new piece of information. 

“It’s an excellent cover story,” Kyle finally said, “And you shouldn’t date anyone anyhow because it would interfere with my results.” 

“What?” Kenny asked, but Kyle was continuing through. 

“I’m well-versed in your culture and would blend in fine,” The alien researcher assured him. “If you’re going to be all weird about this, I’ll think of something else.”

This was so backwards from the usual that Kenny had to laugh. 

Kyle bristled, eyes seeming to flare. “What?” 

“You’re just…” Kenny smacked the back of his head against the tree, smiling. “Ridiculous, dude.”

Kyle did not look appeased. 

Now it wasn’t fair that Kenny was the one thrown off his game. He was a coy little thing himself, and this was suddenly becoming intriguing. 

“Out of curiosity, of course,” Kenny began lightly, pushing himself off the tree to slowly walk a half-circle around the boy, “How does one go about courtin’ some cute alien from your planet?”

“First of all, you’re the alien to me,” Kyle pointed out. “Secondly, that depends entirely on the individual, idiot. And it’s none of your business.” 

He wasn’t giving him any material to work with. Kenny came to a stop, boots crunching against the leaves, within an arm’s reach of the alien. 

The blond smiled, crookedly, taking in the fancy clothes and irritable expression. He had to grab that moment from earlier now that he was all caught up. 

“What’s your name?” He asked, pushing aside the boyfriend talk briefly. “Since you know I can hear you sex me up mentally. Can you tell me?” 

He shot Kyle the sweetest, most enticing smile he could muster. Jokes aside, he was sort of excited at the prospect. That had been fucking crazy and wild. 

The alien looked doubtful, and Kenny really did miss the blue paint. 

“I don’t see a reason to,” The researcher dismissed, but Kenny was undaunted. 

“Oh, come on, please?” He took another step in, very close, “If we’re gonna be partners. Isn’t it weird that I wouldn’t know your name?” 

Clearly, logic appealed to the redhead, but of course it would. He was a _researcher_ , and obviously was thinking it over. 

“Come here,” Kyle suddenly demanded, despite the fact the boy was already close. 

Kenny took another step forward, until they were nearly toe to toe. He was grinning broadly, heart hammering, fidgeting with his hands before deciding to finally just place his hands on his hips like a sass. 

“Alright,” The boy looked wary but cupped Kenny’s face suddenly, brushing his thumbs over Kenny’s cheeks and lowering his eyelids. “Shut your mouth, no jokes.” 

Dammit. Kenny laughed, Kyle gently pressed against his cheeks, and there was that slow, slithery feeling again. Heavy and dragging, curling against Kenny’s mind in curious tendrils. 

He could say what he fucking wanted, this was sensual. Kenny’s vision seemed to cloud, as if his vision was shut down to accommodate for this new sense. That slow curl seemed interested in that thought, picking at it and suddenly _tugging_ , as if someone picked at a string in a sweater and began unraveling.

A sense of almost concern filled him, pressing against his brain, the back of his neck, a sudden cool in his veins. 

Concern, filling his stomach and chest, creeping up to his throat, a caress. 

-I’m fine, Kyle. 

He tried to press back, give as much reassurance as he was getting concern. He was fine, he wasn’t hurting, talk, it was okay-

A sharp pierce, like a puncture in a balloon, confidence and frustration and determination stirring into a singular feeling. Something fiery and fierce, dangerous, but amused and intrigued. 

There was the press. All of the above and more, a little exhausted but sure. He couldn’t- couldn’t explain it. But he understood. 

Kyle retreated, leaving Kenny shaky-legged. The boy tilted his head, hands still on his face, absolutely fascinated. 

“You’re incredible,” The alien murmured, looking a little punch-drunk. “Amazing.” 

“D’I getta ‘nother kiss?” Kenny slurred slightly, hands twisted into the other’s nice vest. 

“Mmm.” The noise wasn’t an affirmation or a refusal. “Do you want to sit down?” 

“No.” Kenny’s hands slid up to brush against the alien’s neck. “Get a look at somethin’ you liked?” 

“Oh, hush.” Kyle’s fingers lazily traced his jaw. 

“So this isn’t sex for your people?” Kenny had to make sure. Positive. 

“Absolutely not.” Kyle flicked his forehead, sadly letting go of him to look annoyed again. “It’s more… you share secrets, it’s trust, it’s communication.” 

“Add some touchin’ and you have to argue better than that,” Kenny let go as well, stepping back once to make sure he could stand upright. “You just talk to everyone? So you alien-sex everybody up there? Should I be worried?” 

“No!” Kyle snapped, reddening. “It’s different with you- _Kenneth McCormick I swear on whatever God you worship-_ ”

“Aw. You sayin’ that with me it’s with feelings?” Now he had the smarm turned on, reaching to half-lean against Kyle as he rested his forearms on his shoulders. The boy struggled to try and hold the blond upright. “Oh, _babe_ -”

Kyle was bright red at his tone. “Would you stop with the stupid accent?” 

“Fucking rude, man, this is my own speech.” Kenny leaned a little more heavily on him, eyes narrowing as he smiled. “Don’t be a bitch.” 

“Don’t be an absolute fucking tool,” Kyle shot back, hands at his waist regardless. “I’m going to strangle you.” 

“Kinky in your research, aren’t you?” He couldn’t shut up, couldn’t stop, but Kyle was meeting him verbal blow for verbal blow like he was enjoying it also. “But I guess that would work if you wanna see firsthand, right?” 

Kyle exhaled so heavily Kenny could feel his chest expand. “You,” The researcher told him furiously, “Are a dick.” 

“Speaking of which, you got one or not?” Kenny started, and Kyle growled in frustration before pulling the boy flush against him and kissing him. 

Kyle kissed furiously, not taking the time to be sweet and curious this go around. Kenny was absolutely okay with this, curling a hand into adorably frizzy hair and letting him take the lead on this one. 

He could feel a slight buzzing against the front of his skull. Like the beginning of a headache, or the outcome of too much caffeine. Whether it was Kyle automatically trying to mindspeak with him or not, Kenny didn’t know and was a tad too preoccupied to care. 

The feeling of Kyle’s tongue seemed to loosen his own. 

“I want you to stay here,” He babbled, taking in the bizarre, proud, curious creature in front of him. “I wanna hear more about you. I want your help. I want you to mindspeak with me all you want, I want to kiss you, I want to listen to you call me a dick and an immature asshole all day long if it means you’re _here_.” 

Rather than be irritated at the interruption, Kyle’s expression was surprised but clearly positive, lips parted slightly and eyes hopeful. 

“So you tell me,” Kenny said, twisting a curl around his fingers, “If I’m dating you for real or not. Because you don’t got any complaints on this side. What was it you called it?” He waggled his eyebrows for good measure. “Natural evolution?” 

He was going to move into a reproduction joke next, but Kyle suddenly kissed him softly, tenderly, a gentle meeting of lips and then a look of fondness. 

“Whatever you want,” The researcher sounded earnest, very subdued from his snappish tone from earlier. 

Wow. All from a kiss or two. Whoo. 

“I think I want me a cute college boy,” Kenny teased, softening his tone to smile at the being, moving to gently touch foreheads. “Or at least, some weird-ass, touchy-feely, hothead researcher from outer space and blue paint on his face.” 

“Is the paint some kind of fetish for you?” Kyle’s tone was scolding but his expression was warm. 

“Depends on where all you’re putting the paint, beautiful.” Kenny got a gentle tap on the cheek for that, which might have been Kyle’s way of threatening to smack him. It was kind of cute. 

“You’re very attractive,” Kyle admitted. “In my eyes. And I genuinely do want to help you. Very much.” 

“So.” Kenny’s blue eyes sparkled. “I say we go with your idea of learnin’ about each other over lunch dates and shared milkshakes. You move fast, but I’m into that, weirdly enough.” 

“Oh, you’re plenty weird enough,” The alien was still smiling, though he reluctantly let Kenny go. “I suppose that works fine, then. It’s a plan.” 

“It’s a plan,” Kenny repeated. He now had an alien shadow, possibly an alien boyfriend, from what probably amounted to an hour or two in each other’s company and a couple shared kisses. 

And alien sex. 

Lots of alien sex. 

He felt giggles bubbling up in him again, and fought them off, going back to wrapping his arms around Kyle’s neck again. 

The other tensed, and he really had the feeling he hadn’t been touched at all much before. 

Well. He had time to learn about that now. If Kyle was willing to answer his own questions. 

And he absolutely needed to know what actually constituted as sex on his planet. And what his planet was, for that matter. And who Kyle was travelling with. And why he found Kenny so fascinating. He broke into another smile. 

“If you don’t kiss me again,” Kenny threatened playfully, “I’m going to ask something else stupid.” 

Kyle seemed happy to avoid that, the well-dressed creature moving back into Kenny’s space one more time, saving them both from another bout of teasing.


End file.
